Friday, November 29, 2002 :::
friday after thanksgiving. my big accomplshment so far today has been to change some light bulbs.
2 hours to walk to the store and back and change bulbs. i also picked up coffee garlic a can of juice padlock.$12-15. my lot on gray looks ok. same routine as yesterday - sleep in, read a bit, waste time online. mentally composing H & H stuff but must get to point of writing it down.
::: posted by gt at 4:37 PM
Thursday, November 28, 2002 :::
www.wilwheaton.net 's been down all day. maybe they didn't pay the hampster bill. so instead of my usual routine of wasting all day at wwdn, i'm googling for wesporn.
::: posted by gt at 2:49 PM
thanksgiving carolers came by and i got a hug.
i'm having lentils broccoli squash and french bread for thxgvg dinner/supper.breakfast was coffee.
::: posted by gt at 2:41 PM
woke up 11ish. felt good. enjoying reading a heinlein novel. had a superficial happythanksgiving call to my mom and sister.
by now, twoish, i'm back in the stressing over h & h mode, angry, talking to myself. and of course not getting any of it written down, just stewing over it, repeating the same thoughts over and over. angry at my dad and angry at H & H. maybe what triggered it is i'm reading the howpunished group on yahoo. i belong to 300 yahoogroups and at least 100 of them deal with
childhood physical abuse issues. it's an obsession. sometimes it helps to "talk" to each other about this stuff online, sometimes it just drags it all up again.
i don't know whether i was born broken, and led such a sheltered life that normal childhood discipline was the main source of stress, and i was unable to handle any kind of stress, so that just happened to be the trigger,
or whether whether (oops) my childhood was so abusive that even a normal person would have been driven crazy.
I think the reality is inbetween; that there is a strain of madness that runs in our family, so cousin steve killed himself,
cousin charlie got his head blown off in a drug deal, cousin doug is an alcoholic, although most of the rest of us are math teachers or scientists,
but that growing up as dad's scapegoat was alot of pressure at least by today's standards; not every 16 year old gets hit with a belt, although many do.
i'm at it again talking to myself about an incident i remember from local crime watch meeting where the cop bragged about how he took a gun away from a girl and took her home to get her ass beat.
the connections between the governmental violence and the domestic violence are pervasive. i'm not just mad at my dad, i'm mad at lyndon johnson and the system that lets thugs like him rule over american citizens. but then again i've been reading heinlein :) suddenly i'm feeling alittle better. weighing options: get high, have more coffee, open another window?
i have to hit send very shortly or i'll time out. so [odd, i wrote "click" in brackets <>
and that text didn't show up on the blog]
::: posted by gt at 11:10 AM
Wednesday, November 27, 2002 :::
2:45 am thxgiving. heading off to read and crash. feeling better.
::: posted by gt at 11:43 PM
got home around 4. oh right, that was after i flunked the drug test and didn't get the job. wasted time at wwdn til 11 or so, then wasted time at gay.com til 2 (so far) gonna read some more heinlein then crash. i'm feeling better now. i was way upset around midnight, crying yelling talking to myself. the usual, the h&h thing. partly upset about thinking about it all the time nd not being able to get it written down. it was real good to to talk to nick about it today. he's been thru some of this stuff too.
it was a moderately productive day all in all. just kinda overwhelmed with emotional stuff. i wanna call mom and lindy tonight. maybe brooke, probly not.
::: posted by gt at 10:49 PM
well (yikes why does loading a gay.com chat room take 15 minutes) i started to come on here to be able to vent, but got caught up in rebooting. my stomach still hurts, but i'm no longer talking to myself and enraged/depressed/upset.when i lived with my parents my stomach hurt like that on a regular basis i thought it was just part of life.
today went ok. nick and i got a lot cut, the one one desmond that is why i wrecked my car last april 15th.
it's past midnight and i got no work-writing done, having a hard time getting started on that. oops this is sure to have timed out.
::: posted by gt at 10:30 PM
Tuesday, November 26, 2002 :::
Posted: Tue Nov 26, 2002 2:38 pm Post subject: Re: template
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I WANT: monkey lovin'
I HAVE: no bananas today
Je REGRET rein. or is it rien? i don't like rain much either.
I WISH:
I MISS: the food coop
I FEAR: the zoning thugs - marion county health department
I HEAR: you, mang
I SEARCH: google. daily.
LAST TIME YOU...
SMILED?: hippie walks right up to me and asks me for a smile.
he got it too. the nerve of that guy.
CRIED: 2 weeks ago. not about wrecking the car, not about being overcharged on the tow, but the sense of help/hopelessness.
BOUGHT SOMETHING: starter for 77 olds.
GOT HAMMERED? sunday a week ago.
KISSED SOMEONE?: did i mention sunday a week ago? josh was there. we didn't actually kiss this time cuz his boyfriend was there but there was meaningful eye contact.
HAD A DREAM?: that all people, i say all people, can walk the streets of ...
LAST THING YOU READ: newspaper. blogs. about to reread podykane of mars (sp?)
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW ON THE BIG SCREEN: star wars the prequel sequel
LAST PHONE NUMBER YOU CALLED: temp agency, junkyard
LAST SONG YOU HEARD: k d lang
LAST THING YOU ATE: lentils + coffee = breakfast
DO YOU...
SMOKE? see below
DO DRUGS?: see above
HAVE A CRUSH?: on jerbear's avatar
HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND: no. position available. write for disclaimers.
HAVE A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK?: george bush.
HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE? yes.
STILL LOVE HIM OR HER?: yes, who she was.
HAVE YOU ANY GAY BISEXUAL OR LESBIAN FRIENDS?: a few. not having lesbians friends these days is rough. they seem to be the only ones to see the world clearly in a way that makes sense.
BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?: no and yes.
BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER?: yes, if not to me.
LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL: i guess so. prefer to muck it up with juniper berries and quinine.
BELIEVE IN ALLAH: that's a secret.
HAVE ANY SECRETS?: No.
HAVE ANY PETS?: Teddy bears
GO TO OR PLAN TO GO TO UNIVERSITY?: Haven't touched a drop since 1998.
HAVE ANY BAD HABITS: Nun.
PIERCINGS?: No.
HAVE ANY TATTOOS?: No.
HAVE A BEST FRIEND I think so.
CARE ABOUT LOOKS?: Mine, no. Yours, maybe.
TRUST OTHERS EASILY: Gullible isn't listed at dictionary.com
LIKE SARCASM: If i told you, would you believe me?
TAKE WALKS IN THE RAIN: i'd rather not in november
SING IN THE SHOWER: no shower, no song.
HAVE ANY SCARS: nose, lip, scalp. shovel, hunting accident, fell off my hoppityhop.
-30-
_________________
nolan chart: 100/100 www.lp.org/quiz kinsey# pi earth first mars next
::: posted by gt at 12:47 PM
Friday, November 22, 2002 :::
how court went:
mixed bag.
201 eastern was scheduled for today. i wasn't at all prepared. granted continuance till 1/3 but said no further continuances
01/02/03 9 am and 1/3/03 9 am.
also have appearances on 12/03 and 12/06.
410 beville was dismissed.
body attachment recalled - i overslept yesterday and missed court.
did not have anything ready to file re 30 n hamilton
need to prepare counterclaim re 30 n hamilton.
need to do extensive discovery request for stipulations etc.
most interesting thing was he took under advisement request for jury trial on issue of damages.
so i could prepare a memo on right to jury trial under indiana const.
::: posted by gt at 10:06 AM
Thursday, November 21, 2002 :::
today: car stolen by last chance. the plymouth.
i was writing up the cpf bit for the box book. went downstairs, got out of the bath, what's that doing there. realized the microwave was gone. front door wide open. bike gone. dnky watch with broken band gone. some tools gone. h was thourogh. "some black guy" is all the description we got. no bike to get to court tomorrow if i have court tomorrow. i'm angry. partly because it doesn't even occur to me to call the cops. light bulb went out so i'm typing this in the dark.
should probably write nastygram re trespassing during theft of car.. did they have a warrant?
::: posted by gt at 10:54 PM
Tuesday, November 12, 2002 :::
court went fine. i showed up at the wrong time, after having joell get me up at 7:30.
a handwritten motion for a continuance was granted. dec 6. had diner homefries a chocolate coke and espresso at fountain square. looked into thrift shop. over railroad track through woods home. off to 40 tacoma.
::: posted by gt at 1:07 PM
Monday, November 11, 2002 :::
yesterday: tv and car self-destructed.
today: served with three more lawsuits.
had an anxiety attack this morning, continued from last night, based on worrying about trying to deal with the lawsuits without a car. haven't had one of those in along time. tried to deal with it by going back to bed, so got nothing done today.
::: posted by gt at 1:48 PM
www.cruftbox.com killer blog. it's 4:22 am. no sleep. i'd go get stoned, but i already did. 2 hours ago and ?? hour ago?
little dried up leaves all over the plant, not a great sign, i watered some more. i don't feel as bad as i did. roommates are being noisy.
::: posted by gt at 1:22 AM
Sunday, November 10, 2002 :::
part of what irks me is the unicorn didn't go all that well. boy i went to see was there and danced but didn't say hi or anything to me, even though the place was empty. neither did jax or aquarium.
but i got to meet _lucas__ (it'll come to me?- it came to me later when i saw a star wars attack of the clowns reference to george lookass) the emo guy from kareoke tuesday.
he suggests jimmy eat world. not cute, but nice. hope i'll see him again.
::: posted by gt at 11:46 PM
a few minutes ago i was crying briefly over loss of car and towing fee and thinking about court.
but it coulda been much worse.. the wheel could have come off while i was on the highway. i should have done a pretrip inspection and seen lug nuts were coming loose, if that's what it was. frame broke, so car is probably totalled. i'll see if jesse wants it. stomach hurts. stress and bad waffle house coffee. it's 2:40 but feels like 4:20..brb.
::: posted by gt at 11:43 PM
long time no entry. much to catch up on. i started a new blog, depressionjournal.blogspot.com
major events since last post: went to chicago for oral argument in majors v abell. election. very little work accomplished last 3 weeks other than chicago. tonight, unicorn, dumpster diving, wheel fell off car. $95 towing fee rip off.
will need to get cash to pay for work on other car. will need to walk to court tuesday. etc.
::: posted by gt at 11:40 PM
