Wednesday, January 29, 2003 :::
 
I see I have not blogged here recently. Some shorter entires in the to-do list blog. So add to to do list, keep up on blogs.
Today, wednesday jan 30. Joell paid rent, i put $700 in the bank, bought a legal news paper, mailed a package to lindy.
Fairly social day. Cute mormon missionary came by, we had a nice chat about memetics ethics and religion. I'm leaving out the bit about the crackhead at 3 am. Chatted with gary and newt online, worked on my to do lists, made some wwdn entries, was awakened by a telemarketing recorded message that then put me on hold. Bastards. Maybe I should get more serious about the $500 lawsuits for failing to send do not call policy letters.
Nice article in legal newspaper about a pro bono case where an old woman was being hassled by a bill collector, got her bill wiped out when she countersued under fdcpa.
Dinner was cajun shrimp, squash onion avacado dish, mango.

Yesterday: Plasma, errands. Brian's birthday. I let him have newt for the evening as a present. Danny bought me a shot, and i got drunk on dollar beers. I asked danny to make a toast to brian, but i bet he didn't. Stayed up all night, went out for donuts in the morning on my bike.It's almost bedtime now.


::: posted by gt at 9:56 PM

Tuesday, January 21, 2003 :::
 
10. If you treat your beta-testers as if they're your most valuable resource, they will respond by becoming your most valuable resource. - eric raymond

::: posted by gt at 8:55 AM

 
I just had a flash of inspiration, and i thought i'd come jot down some notes about it before heading out for the day.
I'm reading the cathedral and the bazaar, which is about the open source movement and the development of linux.
On saturday I was at a libertarian party dinner and there was discussion of candidate recruitment.
My insight is that the candidate recruitment process could be made open source.
That would mean, instead of being limited to 4 guys in the proverbal smoke filled room, which is the way we did it a few years ago, that we would open up the process to a second tier of participants, call them the beta testers.
They wouldn't attend the meetings, but could participate via email and or phone calls.
Frequent releases of new candidate lists, updates on campaign planning, encouraging members to recruit nonmembers as candidates. This isn't as detailed and well thought out as I expected it would be, but at least I've jotted down the basics.
Other rambling additions: Party building through constituent services - right now I need a job, so does nick. In the tammany hall days, the democratic party built a base by taking care of each other, getting jobs for new immigrants, getting better jobs for active supporters, We haven't been doing that. How are we involving our members? what meaningful fufilling tasks are we allowing them to volunteer for? (note also the fred peterson issue) are we doing anything to support bob parker?






::: posted by gt at 8:54 AM

Saturday, January 18, 2003 :::
 
My day yesterday:
woke up. wanted to go downtown but it was 10 degrees, later fell to zero, so i stayed in. chatted with a pal, a retired english butler. we were joined by a young man, 14, north british. i said i was bored, so he showed me a chatroom. it was tacky and aolish, but i met one nice guy, 19, new zealand. we had some kinky net sex, something i havent done in years.
then i spent time at wil wheaton's site, pompously discussing religious politics, then i downloaded down and out in the magic kingdom and read the first part of that.that was my day in the post-scarcity economy, snowed in, no food, cold house, but visiting friends around the world and reading free books online.

::: posted by gt at 1:28 PM

Wednesday, January 15, 2003 :::
 
Wednesday. I got 3 1/2 hours sleep, and woke up with an anxiety attack. I can't get back to sleep because it is daylight.
During my anxiety attack I faced the reality of my hopeless condition, and made decisions I have been putting off.
That I will get back on wishard advantage,that i will apply for disability. I need to doublecheck when the libertarian dinner is.
may have missed it. (that's where my disabilty lawyer would be). I have an urgent need to make and prioritize the to do list.
I don't see why.. oh yes I do. If i try to do it today i'll be overcome with angst. during my anxiety attack i mentally composed the form letter to h & H, and related documents. i have the runs, may have eaten something bad. no food in house, well not much.

::: posted by gt at 10:56 AM

Sunday, January 12, 2003 :::
 
sunday night. strange weekend in that no one came over. spent it online of course. haven't had a bath yet day and pretty grungy. i mention this just in terms of the difficulty i have in doing the simplest things.i'm wearing yesterday's clothes that i slept in. i have a beard not as a fashion statement but because shaving is too complicated and razors are expensive. ah, there's nick's truck, good i'm gona go hang with nick for a bit.had more i wanted to say but it can wait . short version.. depression coming back a little just a twinge.

later edit: had a nice social visit next door. deb and daniel and victor and nick. watched a bit of a striesand/o'neal movie. i don't dislike her the way i used to, dumb movie but she had some nice lines. i'm finally getting around to wasting time on the soapbox whch is usually the first and only thing i do all day. decided to put off bath till tomorrow which means i'm unwashed, i need to be careful about that. bot mood has been good except for about 20 minutes before i went next door. i'd walk downstairs, realize my life is a catastrophe, feel bleak despair, order myself not to feel that way and it stopped, but came back with a few more twinges and i had to keep stopping it. that might be part of the problem - if i focus and pay close attention, my life really is shambles and there's every reason to despair, so i tend to involve myself in escape mechanisms like being online all the time. others, not currently using, include tv drugs or a good book. hat can i learn from this? the social time next door wasn't very productive exactly - we didn't -do- anything. daniel's been fired from a job at a movie theatre. deb works parking at conseco fieldhouse. drunken irish rob was sober for 10 days and has been hitting on everyone's girlfriend. etc. what i'm saying is there was some gossip, some information exchange, and that's part of what that social networking's about. now if those guys could figure out how to do something useful, like say a barnraising, when they get together, i'd like it better. but if getting together, hanging out, helps prevent despair and depression, that makes it kinda productive. i'm not used to looking at it that way.






::: posted by gt at 6:49 PM

Thursday, January 09, 2003 :::
 
instead of coffee i'm having water. wondering if this logging thing is just too tedious that no one, even me, could stand to read it. if, unlikley, anyone ever does, could you just drop me a line to say so? arbitraryaardvark[at]themail.com
works at least as of jan 2003. i've has the hotmail gt_bear[at]hotmail for several yeas but it's usually overwhelmed by spam. anyway, at one point during the bath,there were loud noises. was it thunder? was it military jets, like the choppers that wouldn't let me sleep two nights ago? somebody moving heavy equipment? i dunno. but right now the noise is windy, so it was likely something weather related.

::: posted by gt at 4:04 PM

 
test i need to reset the clock on this thing. it is 6:25, not 3:25. my bath lasted an hour and a half. clean socks, clean underwear, same ratty tshirt and sweatshirt. brought the paper in, i can read it tonight before bed. in the bath i read another couple chapters in "I should have died."
Chapter on the rise and fall of the junta, chapter on the life and death of his father. The bit on the junta had very detailed, matter of fact, descriptions of torture in the junta's prisons, interspersed with documents establshing american involvement. i got all wrapped up in, on the one hand hand reading about a war hero turned mad bomber being tortured for 111 days in 1974, to what i was going thru in 74, being beaten with a belt by my father, the same belt he was hitting my brother with that one day i heard him screaming. i have no memories of hearing my sisters getting it, although i know that happened routinely. thinking about in 77 when my father ruined my brother's wedding by the way he yelled at my sister, what i should have said and didn't.
so this is how my days go. now it's dark. i decided dinner would be the rest of the granola i got for xmas. had chips, no salsa, for lunch. i realize this isn't exactly a healthy diet. the granola has nuts and oats and sugar, as close as i'm gonna come to wellrounded today. i'm low on green veggies, maybe i'll go for a slice of lime at the club later or dumpster dive a little if i get downtown. it seems nice out so that should be doable.
eek i didn't realize the book only had two pages left, the rest is notes and appendices. i've now read the two pages and closed the book.that's the trouble with good books; they end. wwdn never ends, so far, it only goes down at times.

::: posted by gt at 3:25 PM

 
maybe tomorrow, friday, i'll write the to-do list. right now i'm feeling the effect of a cup of coffee, that rush of blodd coursing thru my veins just a little quicker, heart beating just alittle faster. bot mood good - i haven't felt the depression at all today. on the other hand i haven't pushed myself to do anything. stress is good when it motivates us to do the stuff we need to get done. i guess what i need to work on is learning to cope with the stress, rather than hiding from it. let in a little window of stress, enough to get me to make the list and cross at least one thing off the list each day, without letting the window all the way open and worry about all the things that worry me. and there it is.
the clenching of the stomach, the pain. that one little bit of trying to write about facing reality was enough to set off my body's defense mechanism. so now i'm taking deep breaths, consciously calming myself again.
i'm thinking, for some reason, about brooke. maybe tonight i'll write some letters to brooke, lindy, and mom.
even jeanie and laura although that's probably not realistic. writing them is one thing, sending them is far more complicated. i know i don't have stamps handy.


::: posted by gt at 1:51 PM

 
one of the things i had planned to do today was to go through my last couple weeks of box entries and save them to a blog. so far i've done one. ok, that's it - i'm gonna tear myself away from here and go take that bath. so it's taking me all day to do something most people accomplish before breakfast. i even did a little laundry yesterday, so i should be able to put on clean socks and underwear after my bath. again, the point is that these little things are so hard.
going beyond that to, for example, write that editorial about why judges should not get a raise, and why it is unethical to be spending tax money to lobby for it.

::: posted by gt at 1:42 PM

 
spent the morning googling the back story on a book i'm reading, "i should have died" by philip deane aka philip deane gigantes.
turns out after writing the book in 77 he moved to canada and was elected to the senate there. he probably died of cancer a few months ago. maybe not yet, didn't see any obit. it's 4 in the afternoon, and i haven't had my bath, read the paper, or even read further in the book. this is a book i found in a dumpster where they are remodeling the church down the street. the first part is about how was captive of the north koreans. googling, i found out that years later he bumped into his torturer at a cocktail party in london and they had a nice little chat.
later he was a diplomat on the losing side of a johnson-backed cia coup in greece. at the point i'm at in the book the cou is just going down. i should go take my bath - i need one right now, have the runs, maybe i still have the flu how can it last over 2 weeks? but it's hard to drag myself away from the computer. i have alot of open windows from the gigantes research. it's an information overload issue. which parts do i close, that funny story about cheese?
the part about how the other captives were shot and tortured? the korean war list where people are still talking about it? the review of his latest book, power and greed?
and do i follow up, send the guy a nice card saying how much i liked the book? so far i have emailed a couple of people who have expressed interest a couple of things. i'll probably let it drop. google plus ADD, info overload. like at disney where i wanted to look into that tonga situation.
certainly all this has very little to do with my getting on with my life, getting dressed, making lists, planning my life instead of just being buffeted by coincidences. will i or will i not succeed to night in getting out of the house to have a drink at my club? i've been trying and failing at that for two weeks now. such a simple goal, so hard to accomplish.
good thing i'm not trying to do anything more difficult, like get a job, go to the bank with my checks, order more checks, transfer some money from my last brokerage reserves, fix the texas tax situation, fix my car, get insurane, get a job. this isn't the to do list, this is the rant about how how i'm so disorganized i can't even make the list, much less implement it.about all i can do is hang out in this box and play with the other monkeys.

::: posted by gt at 1:27 PM

Wednesday, January 08, 2003 :::
 
the good news is i had the group interview thingy at the printing plant down the street. it seems like it would be a good job. basic bluecollar, lots of overtime, decent pay. i wrote a follow up thanks for the interview letter that'll i'll need to remember to send if i don't hear from them. bad news is drug test. i'm concerned about that. comic aspect: i'd been drinking so much water and coffee just in case there was a drug test right away, that i desperately needed to piss all thru the interview, and there were no bathrooms.
first sign it could be a hellhole to work at - what kind of a place doesn't have a bathroom?
anyway other bad news is 4 threatening letters from health department today.
they just won't ever leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't stand it. it's so... i had one brief moment of the bleak depression today, while walking up the stairs just now. why must they keep trying to kill me?
why can't they leave me alone? i have some plans to talk to nick about this. maybe have him write a letter, ghost it for him. i had it mentally drafted. maybe i shouldn't have had that extra cup of coffee just now... i feel my heart racing. it's not a panic attack, but it's a .. it's not unlike a panic attack. milder. just... why o why can't they leave me alone!
i can't think about this stuff calmly. i try to sit and rationally make plans and i just get upset, odd ideas for retaliation and revenge.
if i'm carefully not getting high while studyig for a drug test, i'm going to have to face this alot. so i'll be using some of my other avoidance techniques, like a good book, a hot bath, wwdn.
other job notes: got info from annabelle re hewlett packard up at park 100. that'll make sense if i ever get my car fixed.


::: posted by gt at 12:31 PM

Tuesday, January 07, 2003 :::
 
grrr wwdn keeps going down.

::: posted by gt at 5:53 PM

 
i should make a note to copy the book title here at some point and google to see if there's more to the story.
title is "I should have died" by phillip deane.
btw today is lindy's birthday. i guess she just turned 41. i haven't mailed her her present, but she called a couple nights ago.
i want to wait until i do/don't get the job to call her. i'm thinking of her though. the one person who put up with me for 6 years - a record. i love her and miss her and feel so guilty i didn't treat her better. no desire to share her current life in paducah with her cats and boyfriend, but we both miss each other some, this issue of how to maintain relationships across time and distance is tricky.

::: posted by gt at 5:48 PM

 
today, started off reading a good book, read the newspaper for two hours in the bath, then a moment of the bleak depression,
put that aside by going online. a call. a job interview tomorrow! yay. it's literally one block from my house, at a print shop. underpaid but can't beat that commute. this is the one i couldn't go to last friday; i wasn't expecting they'd call so soon. this is the job i've had all my hopes pinned on, and it could still go wrong. i went and bought an alarm clock so i will be on time. $11 total. this is kind of a new start for me, i'm back where i was 20 years ago, trying to learn to get and hold shit jobs for basic survival.
plus, mechanic guy next door muttered something about how he might get around to looking at my car. i gave him my old car after it fell apart, and he's driving it ok now. i have the runs. just now had to get up for yet another bathroom break.
so i'm not going to make it downtown tonight either; i will stay here and try to get some rest so i'll be awake in the morning.
now about the book: it's by and about a greek journalist and diplomat, first about being captured and brainwashed in north korea, then about cia involvement in the greek junta. his perspective is that of a disillusioned democrat. haven't gotten to the end yet, but it seems like a lot of gloom and despair on the way. fairly well told. by now, 50 years after the events of the book, he's probably dead,
and the book's probably out of print. i found it in a dumpster at the church on the corner when i went out to get coffee, and went back and got it when i wanted a story for bed last night. one of those odd little coincidences - i could not have planned to read this guy's story; i literally stumbled across it, ok not quite literally stumbled. it seems to relate very directly to some of the discussion of iraq
going on on the boards. when i say the boards, i mostly mean wwdn, but there is a new board at a hidden location set up by a group pf my friends after their public board was attacked by neonazis and disbanded.



::: posted by gt at 5:32 PM

Monday, January 06, 2003 :::
 
obviously i've missed a bunch of entries. just a short one now before bed.
thanksful to have made it through another day. my days are empty and i just wait for them to be over.
wasted much of the day on the soapbox and in chat with the guys.
yesterday i spent getting high and sleeping. today, out of weed, feel ok about that. vaguely restless maybe.
actually feel better than the usual withdrawl period. yesterday mom called and lindy called and in each case i was kinda tired and didn't have a whole lot to say.
i had two big accomplishments today: i rode my bike to one of the mexican stores where coffee was on sale, bought 2 jars and the usual sundries, toritilas and tomatillas but the beans were too expensive. need to get to an aldi type place to stock up. $9.
$22 sat night for the pot. $10 misc groceries the other day including a pac of cigarettes for the ride to court.
this is a little too much in the way of trivia. $300 from joell, $250 from damon. need to get to the bank and think about organizing bills. most of that $ will have to go to cle's. i better make plans re cles and other pressing business. court is over for now, such a relief.
job possibilities:
printing place.
health clubs (both)
courier places, indy express and maybe others.
since i got back from disney been sick flu/congestion. how much of that is just from dope smoking?
almost no food in house. i buy enough for a few days. i just remembered i have orange drink so i will go have some of that before bed since it's too late for coffee. the decaf kind was more expensive so i put it back. this is just so mundane.
anyway the other thing i did today was i saved msveteran's story about sushi to the wil2 yahoogroup.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/wil2/files/sushi i think.
need to make a to do list. for example, is my license suspended? not that i'm driving, but it's one more detail.




::: posted by gt at 9:54 PM